How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only take a couple of months to train

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next-door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

Blogger Template by Blogcrowds