What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes

This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start
approaching, he was hiding under his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon
sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.; Sardarji
replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to
janwar hai, usko kya pata"

SARDAR:: Beta ye kaisi machis lay kar aaye ho ek bhi nahi jal rahi
SON :: kya baat kartay ho pappa sub check kar kay laya hoooon

A Sardar went 2 hotel, ordered chiken, Waiter comes with the order, Surdar:Murgey di taang kithe hai? Waiter:Woh langra tha.

Surdar: Dil? Waiter:Dil murgi le gayee. Surdar: Dimaag? Waiter: Murga SARDAR tha

Ek american ek sardar se kaha hamare yahan saadi e-mail se bhi hoti hai isper sardar bola kamal hai hamare yahan to sirf female se hoti hai

Ek sardar Indian Flag lene shop mein gaya tha. Shopwale ne usse flag diya. Sardar bola: Isme aur colour dikhao!!!

Sardar ji Aapko logo ne kyun mara ? Sardar " yaar Meri Photo Bas main Gir Gayi To Maine Madam Se Kaha Zara Sadi Upar Karo Photo Lena Hai"

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!

What is the chemical formula 4 water? Sardar: HIJKLMNO.

Teacher: what r u talking about?

Sardar: Yesterday u said H to O.

Sardarji praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road near his house. "Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done! The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the railway station to my house!!!!!!!!"

once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

How do you recognize a Sardar in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"

He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY. HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF
I SARDAR,SHE SARDARNEE, THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY
KIDNEY....

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth.................
WHY?

because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should
be light".

Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the
branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."

A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral > function, suddenly all relatives beat
him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered
huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was?
. . . .. . . . . . . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.

Sardar found answer to most difficult question ever

What comes first - the chicken or the egg ?

A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard ........

Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still..... digging for more.

Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?

Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saal sey mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....

What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE .........

Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati hai......

Doosari bigadati hai to "SHUROO' ho jati hai

Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"

American says "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."
Sardarji " India mein to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hi hoti
hai...!!!"

Once a Sardarji was going to his office.
On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt.
Next day , he noticed two banana peels and
exclaimed" ari , aaj to choice hai"!!!!!!

Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two
drinks took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars exchanged their sandwiches.

Sardarjee to Sunita: "I want to marry you"
Sunita: "But I am one year elder than you."
Sardarjee: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year."

ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND SARDAR DENIED
SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY,

WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..

MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD,

MY BROTHER MARRIED MY BHABHI ,

MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON.
SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!!

Shopkeeper: "ISke Saath koi gift nahin hai bhaisaab"

Sard : "Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE!!"

Sardarji, tell me ...., what is the meaning of SMS ?

Sardar angrily said, i know -

it means....

S - Sardaron ke

M - Mazak udane ki

S - Service

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question -

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Sardar- Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

PRINCIPAL
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI

Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.

CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one Wills:
Bhai ek Will dena, so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by the name of Will, it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and said I want one

Will, so the person told him unless you say it correctly i.e Wills I won't sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said

"Hum ek hi to maang rahen hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain".

1) Read each question carefully
2) Answer all questions.
3) Time Limit 3 weeks.
4) Begin immediately.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of Bill Clinton.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY.

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic.

5. Metric conversion: how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners

9. Give the spellings of Bush, Carter and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from? (a) Earth (b) Moon (c) Sun (d) Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) Yes (b) No

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the American National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium OR spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three-storey building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most Florida oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

AbhishekBacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.com

AmitabhBacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv

AnilKapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com

SalmanKhan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.c om

ShahRukhKhan: over_emotions@mostmovies.com

RamGopalVarma: same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in

SunilShetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com

AamirKhan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com

AamirKhan(alternateaddress): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com

SaifAliKhan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com

HritikRoshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com

HritikRoshan(alternateaddress): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com

AjayDevgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com

BobbyDeol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com

Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address
is a secret.

Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com

MallikaSherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com

AmishaPatel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com

KareenaKapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com

Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com

DAAN DOONG DUDUNG DAAN DOONG DUDUNG……
NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST US
MOTHER IN LAW
NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST
MOTHER IN LAW

ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY’S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
DAAN DOONG DUDUNG DAAN DOONG DUDUNG……
DONT NOT TAKE OUT SMOKE FROM THE LIPS DONT NOT TAKE OUT SMOKE FROM
THE LIPS THE WORLD IS VERY CROOKED
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY’S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE

NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST
MOTHER IN LAW
ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY’S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE
YEAH YEAH
NOT CRIME
NOT CHAOS
WITHOUT SIN DIED
U CALLED ME IN THE AFTER NOON
TALKED BANGALES
MASKED HIMSELF

BURN THE SMALL STOVE 4M FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER

NOT EVEN KINFE SHAPRPNEES
NOT EVEN PLOUGH OR PLOUGHER
BITE SO THAT IT LEAVE IMPRINTS
THIS CROP ANY FARMER VILL LEAVE
MAKE HOUSE OF CRUEL LIKE THIS CATO (billo)
MAKE HOUSE OF CRUEL LIKE THIS
CRUEL LIKE THIS
CRUEL LIKE THIS
MAKE HOUSE OF CRUEL LIKE THIS

NOT EVEN CALLED ME
NOT EVEN TOLD ME
U WOKE ME UP 4M SLEEP
I DONT KNOW 4M VER THIS FATE CAME
HE CAME NEAR BY MAKING ME EAT CARDAEMOM
BURN THE COAL FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER

ROBERT : America mein WAAR ho gaya boss !!!
AJIT : Us mein kyaa rakhaa hai Bloody Fool !!! India mein roz "WAAR" hota hai. Bolo kaise???
ROBERT : nahin maaloom Boss !!!
AJIT : Arre ulloo !!! SOMWAAR , MANGALWAAR, BUDHWAAR.........

Filmi Feelings

WHEN I AM : KAREEB
THERE IS ONLY : KHAMOSHI
I WANT TO SPEAK : DIL SE
THAT'S MY KIND OF : ISHQ
I WANT THIS TO BE : GUPT
AS I ALWAYS HAVE : DARR
THAT I WILL LOOSE YOU : SAJANI
AND THAT WOULD BE GREAT : SADMA
I AM YOUR : MR.AASHIQUE
BUT SOMETIMES BIT : DEEWANA
TELL ME : HUM AAPKE HAIN KAUN
AS I FEEL : KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI
IN THIS : DUNIYA DILWALON KI
I TOLD YOU : MAINE PYAR KIYA
MAY BE : DIL TO PAGAL HAI
BECAUSE : JAB PYAR KISISE HOTA HAI
THE WHOLE WORLD APPEARS AS : DUSHMAN
BUT ANYWAY : PYAR TO HONA HI THA

ORIGINAL:
Jab bhi koi ladki dekhon........mera dil dewana bole
ole......ole ole......ole...ole...ole.........
gaon tarana yaara jhoom jhoom ke hoole hoole.............
Ole.....Ole .....Ole...................Ole....Ole.....Ole........
REMIX:
Jab bhi koi Party deekhon........mera bhooka paet bole
chole......chole...chole......chole...chole...chole.........
khao bhar paet yaara jhoom jhoom ke hoole hoole.............
chOle.....chOle .....chOle...................chOle....chOle.....chOle........

Kesto Mukherjee had a little too much to drink one day. He was driving home from the bar one night and, of course, his car was weaving violently all over the road. A hawaldar pulls him over and asked, "kahan se aa rahe ho?"
"Iiiizzzzze! daru khane se! izzzeezzzeh!" slurs Kesto.
"Lagta hai ke aapne bahot pee rakhi hai"
"Hehheha. Lekin mai thik hu!" Kesto says in his usual style.
"Lekin aapko pata hai," says the hawaldar, "kuchh der pahle pahle aapki biwi car se gir gayi?
"Iiizzzzzezzzeeh! Tab to sab thik hai" sighs Kesto, "thodi der ke liye to apne ko laga...izzzezze...ke apun behra ho gaya hun....hehhehe".

Clinton arrives in Mumbai and he gets so impressed by Bollywood. He wants to be in Hindi movies and he starts dreaming..
Bill was in the Oval office and he started singing "Yeh Bill Na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara.."
At that moment, Lewinsky, who was passing by, heard it and responded "Bill, Dhak dhak karne laga, mora jiyorra darne laga", And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed and opened the door and realized he is the President of the USA.
So he paused and looked at her like Ajay Devgan from PTHHT. But Monica could hear Kumar Sanu's song, and said, "Dil-Bill, Pyar Wyar, Main kya janoo re"
He gazed into her eyes like Bobby Deol in Kareeb and sang "Chori Chori jab nazzare mili, chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!"
Then he pulled her into his office and thought of Aamir Khan in Ghulam -"Aankhon se tune ye kya keh diya, Bill ye diwana machalne laga.." Monica picked up the cue and replied like Rani Mukherjee - "yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha..."
Bill then closed the door with a mischievious smile and sang "Hum tum ek kamre mein band hon aur chaabi kho jaaye..." The rest is history. The poor security guards outside could only hear the full throated song from Dil Se, "Bill se, Bill se Bill se, Bill to aakhir bill hain na..."
Monica met her best friend Linda Tripp and confessed about her affair - "Mera Bill bhi kitna pagal hai, pyar jo mujhse karta hai.." Tripp recorded Monica's confessions and went to legal eagle Kenneth Starr with her cassette and screamed "Le gayee Bill, Lewinsky..paagal mujhe kar diya". Starr called Clinton and asked "Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua..." But Bill cleverly interrupted and said "Oh chhodo, ye na poocho.." But Starr persisted and sang "Jhoot bole kowaa kaate.."
Now Bill was very angry with Monica and called her up.
Bill: Aye, kya bolti tu?
Monica: Aye, Kya main boloon..?
Bill: Sun
Monica: Suna
Bill: Kyon kiya ghotala?
Monica: Kya karoon, ho gayi thi kantala
Finally Clinton decided to tell Starr all, "Bill kya kare jab kisi se kisi ko pyaar ho jaye..."., to which Starr had a ready reply, "Aye Bill hai mushkil jeena yahan, jara bach ke, jara hat ke, yeh hai White House meri Jaan!"
Cut...Cut...Cut...!!

Gandhi

After the grand failure of epic film 'Gandhi' at the box office, Richard Attenborough appointed a committee of renowned and successful Bollywood.
It was decided that name of the film 'Gandhi' was not colourful. Following names were suggested:
Lathi Bani JWAALA
Charkha Gaye Geet Sunaye
Adventures of Kasturba & Mohan in South Africa
Khaadi Rang Layegi
GANDHI ki AANDHI
Deshpremi
Khaana Chhod Dunga
UJDA Chaman
Saabarmati ka Dulaara
Aatma aur Mahaatma
Mahatma No. I
Charkhe ki Awaaz
Goray ki **** Pe Laathi Mar
Laathi se Ajaadi Tak
Gandhi No. I
Mission Gandhi
Mei Mohan tu Kastur
Mere Mohan Pyare
Fatichaar
Kadkaram Mohanlal
Mei Khiladi, Aur Mohan Anaadi
1947, A love story
Meri Kasturba, mera Pyar
Pattgayi Kastur

It was also realized that the dialogues did not have that Bollywood fizz'. Following dialogues were suggested:
1.(Situation : First scene of the movie where Godse fires bullets into Gandhi's chest)
Nathuram : Isi din ka mujhe bachpan se intazaar tha, kamine, ab bachke kahan jayega?
Gandhi: Ye lo - tumhare saamne seena taanke khada hun. himmat hai to chala goli. Are, aisi goli ab tak nahi bani jo gandhi ka seena paarKare.
Nathuram fires...Gandhi dies on the spot.
Nathuram: Maa, maine tumhe diya hua vachan nibhaya hai. Ab tumhari aatma ko shanti milegi.

2.(Situation : Gandhi is being thrown out of train in South Africa)
Gandhi: Ye kaisa insaaf hai bhagwan? Suna tha bhagwan ke ghar der hai, andher nahi. Ab tumhi meri laaj rakho bhagwan... (His baggage gets thrown out of the train behind him. His mother's photo is smashed to pieces. Gandhi looks at the photo, slowly his eyes turn red...his voice quivers...) Yaad rakhna kutton, ek din isi gaon me aakar subko dekh lunga, chun chun ke marunga, chun chun ke marunga.....

3.(Situation : Kasturba is on her death bed, Gandhi is sitting beside her)
Kasturba: Ek vachan do mujhe, tum doosri shadi karoge.
Gandhi: Ye kya kah rahi ho Kasturi, bhala tumhare bina ji paaunga main?
Kasturba: Mujhe kuch nahi malum. Aaj ye vaada karo mujhse. Tabhi chainse marungi main.
Gandhi (tries to smile): Are pagli, is umar me bhala mujhse shadi kaunkarega?
Kasturba (laughs naughtily): Bas karo ji. Itna umar ka khayal hota to us Meeraben ke peeche pagal na hote tum...
Gandhi (suddenly realizes that the conversation is taking a dangerous turn...): Achcha ab tum baat mat karo. Doctor ne mana kiya hai...

4. (Situation : Gandhi declares his umpteenth indefinite fast)
Kasturba: Aji sunte ho? Khana taiyaar hai...
Gandhi: Maine kaha naa ! Nahi khana hai mujhe khana..
Kasturba: Dekhoji ! Khane ne tumhara kya bigada hai? Do rotiyan kha lo aur phir jaha, jana hai chale jao. Main rokungi nahi. Aur dekho aaj maine tumhare liye gaajar ka halwa banaaya hai...
Gandhi (looks tempted): Achha tum kahti ho to kha leta hun.

The committee suggested that a songless and danceless movie will never sell.
Following dance sequences were suggested:
1. A cabaret number by Huma Khan. This should be shown in order to depict the lavish lifestyle of the British
2. A Choli dance sequence (preferably by Madhuri Dixit or Urmila).The situation will be cultural festival in Saabarmati Ashram).
3. A dream sequence of Gandhi & Meeraben is desperately needed. The lyrics could be "Main meera tu Mohan..." or " Tu mera,tu mera, tu mera Satyavadi no 1."

After giving up 'goondagiri', Veeru has now joined an Indian body shopper and has become a Computer Consultant. Jay goes to Mausi for 'Basanti kaa haath mangane'..........
MAUSI: Bura nahin maanna beta, itna to poochna hi padtha hai ki ladke ka khandaan kya hai, uske lakshan kaise hain, kamaata kitna hai, US me masters kiya he...
AMITABH: kamaane ka to ye hai mausi, ki ek baar biwi baccho ki jimmewari sar pe aa gai, to consultant ka kaam chod kar regular employee hoga aur phir kamaane bhi lagega.
MAUSI: to kya abhi kucch bhi nahin kamaata?
AMITABH: nai, nai, ye maine kab kahaa mausi. kamaata hai lekin, ab roj roj to 'client' mil nahi sakta na, kabhi kabhi "BENCH" per baith jaata hai bechara.
MAUSI: BENCH pe bhi aana jana hai?
AMITABH: haan mausi, ab ye kambakht Computer Consultancy cheej hi aisi hai. Aur bench par to bade bade log jeseke Bill Gates, Andrew Grove, Larry Ellison bhi betha karte the.
MAUSI: to kya programmer hai?
AMITABH: chee, chi, chi, chee, chee! wo aur programmer? NAA! NAA!! wo to bahut hi acchhaa aur nek ladka hai, lekin waise ek baar kisi desi body shopper ke haat lag jaye na phir 'language/RDBMS/QA' ka kahaan hosh rahta hai! haath pakad ke 'IDMS' ya 'QA'karvaane bithadiya desi ne, ab isme bechaare Veeru ka kya dosh.
MAUSI: theek kahte ho beta, programmer woh, DBA woh, DESI ke paas kaam karta hai woh, lekin uska koi dosh nahin.
AMITABH: mausi aap to mere dost ko galat samajh rahen hai, wo to itna seedha aur bhola hai, arey Basanti se uski shaadi kar ke to dekhiye, ye 'programming', 'DBA' aur 'client ke paas jane ki aadat' to do din main chhoot jayegi.
MAUSI: arey beta is budhiya ko samjha rahe ho! apne COMPUTER CONSULTANTS ko chod dene ki aadat kisi body shopper ki chhooti hai aaj tak?
AMITABH: mausi aap Veeru ko nahin jaanti, biswaas kijiye wo is tarah ka insaan nahin hai. ek baar shaadi ho gai to wo 'PAGER' bhi rakhna band kar dega, bas PROGRAMMING apne aap chhoot jayegi.
MAUSI: hai raam, bas yehi ek kami baaki rah gai thi, to kya PAGER bhi rakhta hai?
AMITABH: to usme kaun si buri baat hai mausi, arey PAGER to PRESIDENT,VP, CEO aur unchey-unchey log rakhte hai haan.
MAUSI: accha! to beta ye bhi batate jaao ki tumhare ye gunwaan dost assal me kis company ke employee hai?
AMITABH: bas mausi, hum 'trace' kar rahe hai, original HI milte hi company ka pata chal jayega aur hum aapko khabar de denge.
MAUSI: ek baat ki daad dungi beta, bhale sow buraiyaan hon tumhare dost main, phir bhi tumhare muh se uske liye tareef hi nikalti hai.
AMITABH: kya karoon mausi, hum body shoppers log hi kucch aise hai. to ye rista pakka samjhoon.
MAUSI: pakka! bhale saari jindagi ladki kuwaari baithi rahe,lekin aise aadmi se Basanti ko nahin byahne waali, sagi mausi hoon koi sauteli maan nahin.
AMITABH: ajeeeeb baaat hai, mere itne samjhaane par bhi aapne inkaar kar diya, bechaara Veeru, na jaane ab agla client kaha milega!!

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children !

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
includes an annual free trip around the Sun..

No one has ever complained of a parachute not
opening..

Should women have children after 35
No, 35 children are more than enough!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days
, you can keep it.

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job
Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in
this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey
and stopped him, what virtue would I be Showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

My father is so old that when he was in school, history
was called current affairs.

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She answers: My husband's cheque book..

Can you do anything that other people can't?
Sure, I can read my handwriting..

A drunk was hauled into court.
Mister, the judge began, you've been brought
here for drinking..

Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in
front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING

RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??
Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )

Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI
Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)

Q3. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi
but goes directly to Tendulkar.? why ?? why ?? :-)
Ans:- Tendulkar is an opener

Q5. Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?
Ans:- aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!

Q6. What will! u call a person who is leaving India ??
Socho...............
Ans:- Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

Q7. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha?
Ans:- adidas

Q8. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv falls
into the well. Why ?
Ans:- Because Luv is blind!!!!!

Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head scratching done.
Ans:- Luv ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!!!!

Want one more...

Q9. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. nahi pata..??
Ans:- D'Cold chain ki saans !!!!!!

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@BrideGroom Char(NotBad),
@Bride Char(Good)
AS

SELECT Bride FROM
AndhraBrides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus='PGorAbove'
HavingBrothers='NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES' AND
KnowCooking ='TRUE'

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('Ford')

Cheppukovadaniki JOB ichav,
Choopinchataaniki ID CARD ichav,
Free ga ICICI BANK ACCOUNTichav(excat ga ICICI kaaadu, Yevariki ye bank aite adi) ,
Every month SALARY kooda ichav,

Devuda,
Koorchovataniki KURCHI ichav,
Vundataaniki CUBICLE ichav,
Mails check cheyyataniki SYSTEM ichav,
Chatting ki COMMUNICATOR ichav,

Devudaa...................,
Kaali ga vunte COFFEE MACHINE ichav,
Time pass kosam TERMINAL ichav,
Lunch kosam Food court icahv,
Punch kosam appudappudu Health club kooda ichav,

Kaani,,,
Enduku nannu BENCH meeda vunchav,
AINAAAA, AINAAAA NUVVU NAAKU NACHAV.
NACHAV.. NACHAV......

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

*HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE

*AN AMERICAN SALARY*

*A BRITISH HOME*

*CHINESE FOOD*

*AN INDIAN WIFE*

********

*HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE

*AN AMERICAN WIFE*

*BRITISH FOOD*

*CHINESE HOME*

*AN INDIAN SALARY*

********

A gift to mom

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. "She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Quit Drinking

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in
the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. one is in Dubai, the
other in Canada and I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice
and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he
said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .

" The only thing is

................

................

................

I just quit drinking!!!

Engineers at work:
Assignme! nts solved by one and then carry out mass transfer
operations throughout the class

The most important machine for Engineers:
Xerox Machine (Without which assignment Completion couldn't be
possible)

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current
in A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and
requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.

External (to student) : "Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC To
pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC comes
straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But
AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
.-------------------good one :)

Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If
it gets stuck, it was DC.

Interviewer: H! ow will you reverse direction of an Induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the x-ud, turn the motor
around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)

Examiner: "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student: "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transformer that is put in the x-udment
or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is
installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught-can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!"

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