A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick told the farmer, "No, we can`t have services for an animal in the church, but I`ll tell you what, there`s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick replied, "Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic."

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I`m next in line for the Monsignor`s job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it`s possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I`m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and the sexton subsequently needs it on the first floor. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about him, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do *you* know, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so"

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world were to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, it is not good for man to be alone!

And the reason why God created Eve...

Was when God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the doorbell ring, she yelled, "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the doorbell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said, "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: "Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."

Wrong Question

John and Mike are walking from religious service. John wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Mike replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So John goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

John goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Mike goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful

animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."


--Ellen DeGeneres

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or

girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,

and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."


--Bob Ettinger

Break Up

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?

I sent them to her dad."


--Christopher Case

Knock, knock. Kaun Hai? Di, Di who? Dekho, easily forgotten.

What did Diana do in real life?Nothing.Why did Diana die?Patta Nahi?

Poor Dodi Fayed! Uninteresting alive, Just hardly when dead.

We all know where Princess Di was buried, but where was Dodi buried?
Kisse matlab hai?

What was Diana's last dessert dish?A: Turnover.
Burger King is going to offer a Lady Di Combo: Egyptian sausage on an English muffin sprayed with ketchup all over and a bottle of Perrier.

Did you hear Pizza Hut is announcing a "Princess Di Meat lover's Pizza"?
It s made with two kinds of meat: Egyptian sausage and Welsh beaver.The princess used to like fish and chips but now she's stuck on ribs.

Diana's name has been changed to... The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.

What do you give to a princess who has everything?
A: A safety belt and an airbag.

What were Princess Diana's last words?
"Darn, I can`t auction this dress now!"